What are we gonna do? (Ode to all the Bojacks out there)

 Say, what?! What are we here to do?

Say, what?! Where would we even go?

Don't say your shit, don't want you to

Stay silent, in my head. You! All I know.

As fall anew begins,

And lies that bidirectionally 

On the broken ground spin in 

Your askance gaze, oh so correctional!

My world is sorrow minus tears plus rage,

Warped mirrors that reflect the spring.

I am punching to next fucking page 

To find it. Only yellow leaves it brings,

And freezing cold of being right.

The paralyzing dread of seeing straight.

Realization that it might, just might

Be awfully, unambiguously way too late!

Say what?! From horse's so sarcastic mouth.

Say what?! Satire turns to darkness and disgust.

Don't speak, don't breathe, consider all your fouls!

And turn time back again. Done. Bust!

The heart of stone

 Inside the dense, gray, fibrous space

Lies single dream, idea and desire

Bespectacled in wisdom, wrapped in lace

It waits its turn to blast the walls, and to inspire

The thought, inside the stone, fleck of forgotten life,

Condensed emotions, my desires.

On top of bed of sharp, barbed truths 

So outstretched, it hurts to feel, to think

A lonely soul prostrates itself as it endures

You every breath, your whispers, lies, with every blink

The storyteller, you, a regular old clown, how you stink!

Contortionist of what is real and the truth

So what?! You tell me what's inside and how I hurt?!

Presume to know the depths of my black heart?!

Assume your soothing whispers can avert

An avalanche of sorrow, a farewell to senses,

Just before it starts?

I laugh, a shaking, braying, desperate production

My smile chock-full of angry, broken teeth.

You yearn for me to acquiesce, seek satisfaction

While in my own skin, trapped, 

While in my own mind, stuck

I scream and wreath!

My heart remains unbroken - cold, dense, aggravating stone

My will stands tall in tightly curled and shaking fists

In fiery eyes, where fear, anxiety are broken and unborn

You tried to see, your tried to break

You tried and tried, with lies and fakes

To get inside my heart of stone,

You had your cruel fun,

And now you are done! 

Escape

 I need to evade the fate

It is nigh too early

It is way too late

For words still unspoken and uttered

For curses behind sharp teeth, muttered

I need to slow down and think

Just one second, a spark, smallest wink

But life drowns me with its endless pain

Of losses, of strife, nothing gained

Like a comet it catches my thoughts

And like a meteor it will end this world

Like a paper cut or a torn limb

It leaves me crippled, frail and limp

So much is unspoken, so much unsaid

So many souls left ignored and dead

The words linger behind my blank eyes

What escapes my lips are pure nonsense and lies

What escapes from my chest is rage

Bloodless and cold, sweet revenge

Nails, my claws at my side, 

My back to the wall as I ride

Last moments of freedom, of self

I plunge into depth as I delve

Into agony of my mind

Repaying for mistakes made in kind

I tired to evade the future

I tried to bend the past

I was but a hapless vulture

Seeking failure, hoping to last

Instead I eroded my soul

Instead I became a lie

And now I am lost and foul

Undeserving of peace, cursed to stay alive. 

Monsters

 Their claws, sharp razor edged intent

I look on trying hard to comprehend

Why, so surrounded, so full of fear

These monsters out of woodwork come so near

Their foul breath of needs and wants

Wanton expressions, acid laughs and taunts

Their stark emotional abuse

So callous, bland, obtuse

My eyes are open to their ploys

I am neither weak nor am I coy

I stand amongst the masses of bad deeds

Knee deep in mediocrity and greed

Waist high in suffocating lies, delusions

So sober, tired, angry, disillusioned

And yet again palm forms a fist

And one more time I bare my teeth

Another step, another breath

Towards these monsters, with no fear  or stealth

Towards another bloody, broken back

I raise my hands, primed to attack

I see the monsters, they see me

Their human faces...

Come and fucking get me!

My son

 My son and I we are one

Me and my son

Our bond won't be broken

We'll never be done

Entwined, pushing and pulling

Me and my son

The oath of support

And framework of trust

From angry retort

To the wheezing of breath, my last

From the end of the world

From the depth, from the cold

To the start, to the limit and more

Me and my son we are whole

My son I bequeath this oath

My son unto you I place hope

The words that I swore, put forth

Your future, your freedom, elope!

My son, we were one

And now that I am spent,

And now that I am done 

Stand tall, don't repent

For even beyond gray demise

I'll stand right beside you

My bond, and my oath stronger thrice

Don't fret, don't forget, it is true

We are one,

You and I, 

My son!

Dying

 Dying does not make this world free for us

Lying is an excuse to see the light past it's prime

Crying does not free this world from our farce

Entwining with the lies, and turning on a dime

Forgiveness is a shadow of illusions made in haste

And stillness of my breath is rage contorted

Darkness fills us, as agonizingly more time we waste

Fairness, a spoiled fruit of those to loss resorted

Dying does not make forgiveness free

My rage upon a loosened breath spews lies

Your tears are burden to this world and me

Cocooned in twine our shadowy amalgam dies

Entwined,

Still lying while dying

Turning tricks

on crooked dime,

This world embraces you and I

And then, absolved

It shines despite, and all the time. 

Счет в никуда

 Десять...

Рассвет ударом прямо в темя

Что плач, что просто тресни

Но сон не снял ни боль ни бремя

Тут, девять...

Проклятый взгляд родных и жадных глаз

Мне не понять

И не дождаться, не дожить, не выпить весь отказ

Чтож, восемь...

Сегодня как вчера, как сто и сотни лет назад

Сижу, сам себя бросил

Вчера как завтра, и не зол , и вообщем-то не рад

Ну семь...

Открыл мне настежь дверь в подарок страх

И подавлюсь, но съем

Я гордость, правоту и бережно укрою веры прах

Вот, шесть...

Спины хребет пронзает как идея через мглу

Свалявшуюся шерсть

И тускло белыми холмами, стоит, болит в моем мозгу

И пять...

Пол жизни пройдено, кто знает почему

Под флагом "снова" и "опять"

И все попытки отданы, за что? Кому?

Ну можно и четыре...

Еще нет не финал, и не последний счет, но близко

Стреляю оппортюнити как в тире

И запах пыльных занавесей, затхло, низко

Подайте три...

Кривая нить, под весом фактов, дел и бреда

Часов подсчет - замри!

Дай полной грудью окунутся в лето!

Эх, два...

Теней как волн размеренный кивок

Прошла тоска, лишь голова

Покоя не дает, все ищет повод, тянет как резину срок

Уже, один...

Отлив, откат, палитра черно-белой птицей, вон

Поверх невзрачных спин

Наклоненых голов, сквозь жести и метала звон 

И ноль...

В руке от вечного пера ушла

Старуха - боль

Устала белая тетрадь, 

И я ее марать

И жизнь как будто не была...